Lined Up Like Toy Soldiers
by ILoveMyGeeWay
Summary: Near-Centric one-shot. Near made toys for each person but there was one that he always kept on him and didn't let anybody see, one special one. Near looking on the past and his Matt toy. He loved him but knew enough to let him be with Mello. slight NxG.


**Lined Up Like Toy Soldiers**

Today is currently March 28, 2010. It has been exactly two months since the end of the Kira investigation. All of the hand puppets created for the investigation are lined up on their self, that is all but one. My one special puppet still is laying in my pocket, kept safe even after the Kira investigation, even after his death , exactly two months, two days, and five hours ago.

Mail Jeevas, my Matt puppet still lies dormant in my pocket. I only take him out to play with and talk to when no one is around. He is my special toy, my one special toy that I wont let anyone look at let alone touch. I feel bad for not letting the Matt doll be next to the Mello doll but I'm not ready to give him up yet. I am going to hold onto him, keep him safe, until I am ready to move on.

Lately he has been helping me solve many cases. He sits with me in the dark room, surrounded by dice towers and robot armies. He sits on my knee and listens to me. I stroke his plastic red hair and sigh. I never told Matt, the real Matt, that I loved him. I don't regret this, I didn't want him to know. I may have loved him but it was not my place to tell him so and put strain on his relationship with Mello.

I may not have liked the fiery blonde but Matt loved him. I knew enough to let them be together, to not inject myself into the mix. I loved Matt with all of my heart but it was painfully obvious that him and Mello were meant to be together, they were soul mates. One day I hope to find my soul mate, if not this life then the next. Even then, Matt will hold a special place in my heart.

Matt was the other person I talked to at Wammy's. I would never call the spats I had with Mello conversations. In fact, they were just Mello's screaming and me sitting and watching my work get destroyed in Mello's tirade.

Every time after a blow up by Mello Matt would help me pick up the remains of my creations while Mello went to cool down. It was those times, when Mello wasn't around, that I got to talk freely with Matt and get to know him.

"Why do you always stay with him, Matt? Especially when he does explodes like this."

Matt would chuckle like I was some little kid that was too young to understand. "Because I love him, and despite how he acts at times, I know he loves me." He was right, I didn't fully understand. I still don't understand completely.

"How could you love him when he treats you like a dog? I thought if he loved you he would be nice to you, affectionate." Then I was searching for an opening, if Matt was unhappy. If Matt was tired of his relationship with Mello. If he wanted more. I wanted to be there for him, to give him everything he ever wanted.

"I can't say he's the best guy. Yeah, he treats me like his dog, but I allow him to. I bet that if I stood up to him and told him to stop he would. I'm sorry, but you don't really know him. I don't want to sound snotty or like I'm superior because of it but, I know Mello better than anyone. Better then his parents ever did, better than L, Roger, Watari, anyone. I know his real name, how he got here, and what he wants to do. I can see through him, I see when he is lying, I see when he is hurt, angry, happy, sad, bored. I see that he really does love me. As for affection, that's my fault. He knows that I don't like PDA and he respects that." Matt looked up from the Lego Eiffel Tower that lay in pieces, a small smile graced his features.

I nodded. It was then that I understood that I could never tell Matt my true feelings. I wanted him to be happy, and he was, with Mello. I could give him everything he wanted, videogames, love, private affection, everything but the happiness he has when he's with Mello.

Mello would storm in and drag Matt away every time. Muttering about fraternizing with the enemy. Matt made sure to always wave goodbye if he couldn't voice it. He was always considerate of not being rude, unlike his obnoxious lover.

_It's sickening! We're just lined up like toy soldiers! _Matt's old words rang in my ear.

It was the first I had seen him in months. He dropped off the face of the earth when Mello left him alone at Wammy's. It wasn't the first time he had been left at an orphanage. His parents, drug addicts, just left him at the front door of the orphanage when he was three. He was adopted when he was ten, but this couple couldn't handle having a brilliant son, he scared them. They brought him back, claiming they wanted someone more...normal. Matt was shipped from orphanage to orphanage until he ended up at Wammy's.

He hated the system. He hated the very word orphanage. When he was left once again it broke him. Mello had known Matt better then anyone and he still left him, breaking him beyond repair. Still, I did not claim my love to Matt. That would only confuse and hurt him more. He didn't want me, he wanted Mello.

It had been months and I thought Matt gone forever. It was then that he walked into the day room and sat down near me. He looked sickly. Paler then normal, as if the life, the colour was drained from him and left with Mello.

"I hate this place!" Matt huffed out. I stared at him wide eyed. It was the first time I had heard his voice in months and it sounded like the only exercise his vocal cords had gotten during those months were from sobbing and rejecting the food sent to his room. His voice cracked and tears welled up in his eyes. "I hate it here, it's like we're in a war. That we are the soldiers in training, all those succeeding L are just lined up like toy soldiers. It's sickening! We're just lined up like toy soldiers! If one breaks it gets replaced right away. It's disgusting! No one cares for us here. We are just objects, machines being programmed to become the next L!"

Tears rolled down Matt's face. I scooted closer to him and uncharacteristically hugged him. My heart sank as he clutched my white pajama shirt and sobbed. Matt was breaking, not broken. He still had his rebellious side in him but it was fading.

Matt had said what I could not find the words for. For years I had been looking for the right words. _Lined up like toy soldiers. _In any other circumstance I would have smiled, it was perfect. The saying was perfect, how had I not thought of it?

Matt got up, a few stray tears rolling down his face and excused himself. It was the last time I saw Matt in person. The last time I got to touch him. The next day he was gone. He left nothing behind but the picture of Mello that lay face down on his night stand.

When I started the SPK I had a side project for them, track down Matt. It was tricky, with out knowing his real name, but we found him in New York City, his birth place, his first home. We found Mello with him. It seems that when Matt left he traveled the world in search of happiness but ended up depressed and in the streets of New York. He had unlimited money supplied by Wammy's but he refused to spend anymore of it. Mello tracked him down like I had, yet with his real name, and found him in some Alley way.

Matt told me over the phone later on that he was depressed, on drugs, and dieing when Mello came along. He thought it was an angel at first and let the blonde escort him to an apartment. He passed out and when he woke up Mello was over him, undressing him. He freaked and kicked him in the face, getting up and trying to run but the blonde pulled a gun on him.

Matt willing got undressed and cleaned up. Mello forced him to hear him out and Matt ended up going back to the blonde. I was enraged that Mello had hurt him so and expected everything to be fine. I was even more enraged that the red head went back to him. I didn't want Matt hurt again. Matt assured me not to worry, that everything was taken care of and Mello had his reasons. He never did try to tell me, and I never asked.

Mello made Matt happy. Matt was happy. That's all I cared about. Matt. I haven't seen him since that day at Wammy's. I have only talked to him over the phone. Now, I can be found talking to his puppet. I still don't tell him I love him. I never will.

I will put him back next to Mello. When I'm ready. Not today, not tomorrow, and not the next day. It may take several more months. Matt will always be dear to me though. I can't just let him go like he was nothing. He was the only person to touch my heart. The only person I loved. When I can live without him beside me, I will put him back.

Mail Jeevas, what a different name. I had learned it after his death. Mail Jeevas. Beautiful.

"Stephen? " I asked and the clicking of heels accompanied his entrance.

"Yes sir?" Gevanni, real name Stephen Loud, stopped behind me. I had grown close to the older male during the Kira investigation and proposed a full time job for him with me. Stephen Loud, ordinary yet extraordinary. A Beautiful contradiction.

"My name, my real name, it's Nate River. I was born August 24th, 1991 in Winchester, England."

Maybe I will be putting Matt away sooner than I thought.

* * *

So, what did ya think?  
That means review for those of you who are slow.  
No matter how slow you are I still love you  
as long as you review.

This has had some minor edits, mainly just grammar corrections :D

.Love.


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